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September 3, 2010

Thanks for the insight. Your point about the phone is well taken, that's why I started to email him. But maybe there's something more here that I hadn't thought of. Your statement about "in charge of maintenance". Actually he's in charge of maintenance, but it never gets done. I'm pretty much in charge of most everythng else in the house and having all these unfinished, broken things is about driving me nuts. He is constantly starting a million projects and home and never finishes it. I gave him a handyman for his birthday so some of these things could be take care of. Without realizing it, I probably stepped on his toes there. Thanks again. And you are right, I think I need to corner him and ask how he wants me to tell him. I think I've just danced around his grumpiness for so long, I'm not sure how to approach it anymore.

Robert Here -

You need to corner him one good time, and ask him point-blank how he wants you to tell him what you need to know. Point out that if you are in charge of maintenance (which it sounds like you are), you either need a free hand, or you need a way to get his input, and that it's going to be one or the other. I will add this about telephones: a lot of people see the telephone as a device for social networking. But some, disproportionately men, still see it as an an intrusion, comparable to having someone come up to you and rudely interrupting what you were doing with something that could have waited, perhaps forever. It sounds like your husband is one of those men. Partly it's a generational thing, partly it's gender, but if you accept that it's true, you will understand him a little better.

Hi Tom,

I just discovered you on the Fly Lady site. How awesome you are doing this because I've had sooo many burning questions in my 18 years of marriage it's unbelievable.

For starters: The question below is one. My husband is rude no matter when I call him on the cell phone. One time he answered, "WHAT?!!" And I told him that was not a nice way to answer the phone. So I tried doing what the lady says below and started emailing him because if I tell him, usually he forgets or is tuning me out. I've yet to get a response on an email and I'm at a loss. He got very angry with me when I hired a handyman to do some jobs around the house because in his words, "I didn't know anything about it. What exactly are you having him do?" Tom, I emailed him at least 3 times asking for a response on the contract that the handyman emailed me. I'm not sure how to resolve this to make our lives run more smoothly? I've tried asking him to discuss stuff and he doesn't want to deal with it when he's trying to relax at night either (and I don't blame him). I'm just at a loss. Thanks in advance for your perspective,

September 1, 2010

If my husband said 'have you done your 15 minutes yet' I would take it as an invitation to say 'not yet, I was waiting for you' and then think of something I need help with, for example moving the fridge or washing machine to clean under, dusting the ceiling fans which I can't reach, re-arranging heavy furniture or turning the mattresses. Think of it as an opportunity to get these things done regardless of the zone we are in.

Hope this helps,